If only ...
If only he would just walk in the door again one day, as though nothing had ever happened.
Or he could just ... materialize. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I mean. I used to be afraid of ghosts but I’m not any more. He could walk through a wall and sneak up behind me and say “Boo!” and I’d jump, maybe even start to tell him off for leaving in the first place – “What the hell did you think you were doing, dying on us like that?” – but then we’d laugh ourselves silly and put on some of the auld songs and sing ourselves to sleep as the ancestors snuck back in too, to take up annoying residence in the guest room.
I hadn’t seen the movie until midway through this past year, when a wise friend nudged me towards it. Except for the happy ending, I loved it hard enough to wish it could come true. But it hasn’t. My ghost hasn’t come back, no matter how often I’ve invited him. I suppose I should stop troubling him before he and the other spirits who have gone before become exasperated and charge me with stalking.
He was so much to lose, though.
A year ago today it was over for him forever. He brought so much life to others. That was his life, animating others, drawing out the best in all sorts of different people and then showing them how to make their best live in the world. Until very late, just watching other people, how different they all are, we all are, one from another, was a source of purest joy to him. If I think to reach for it, the memory of the beautiful smile he had for life itself is right there. It was so much to lose.
If only he would just walk in the door again one day, as though nothing had ever happened ...
It all happened. But he isn't really gone. He still has you.
:(
A year seems like such a short time.
Funny old world ... We bless with our tears those we love who have left us behind. They bless us with the gifts they leave behind, in our hearts. It hurts to open those gifts, because we are reminded of the memories that can no longer be shared with them.
Their gifts are complex.
Grief, to feel deeply and to help us connect to all others who have experienced loss.
Anger, to rage and fight and continue to make the world a better place for the living.
Joy, in the remembrance of all that they cherished in us, so that we may persevere in expressing those very qualities and talents and accomplishements that they valued.
I love that movie. I'm very much not looking forward to when it means more to me . . .
One can seek refuge in philosophy, seek peace in acceptance, but in the end . . . dang. It's not fair.
A beautiful tribute to your beautiful partner. Thinking of you today and wishing you comfort...
This was a beautiful post, skdadl. It seems we share a grieving season; hearing someone else's pain expressed so perfectly may not make my own burden lighter, but it seems to allow me to shift my grip on it to something more bearable. Thank you.
This made me a bit teary when I read it at the office. Very beautiful, though.
I've lost my words. I wanted you to know that I read your post - I thought it was beautiful - and I'm so sorry about this loss. He sounds just wonderful and I'm so glad you got to have him.
Thank you for sharing this powerful experience with us. I'm going to save it for a dear friend. *hugs* to you on a particularly sad anniversary.
Hugs and thanks to you all, especially to Rob and all other readers who are struggling to get the joy in life back.
Och, Melanie, that should be so, if I can just live up to him. I'm astounded by how much wheel-spinning I can do, though. In the first notes she made the night that her husband died, Joan Didion wrote four short lines; the fourth reads: "The question of self-pity." She was right to sense that danger, I think, and it's true, I've been feeling sorry for myself, which is different from taking care of yourself. Time I started taking care again, of him in memory and of others.
Yes, it feels such a short time, Mandos. And yes, dang it all -- it's not fair! ;-)
deBeauxOs is the wise friend who nudged me towards the movie; she knows; so many know. Hugs and hearts to all the lovely caring friends.
Hang in there my friend.
Oh, Skdadl! I had no idea! Hugs, many, many hugs!